Since I was a little girl I have been boycotting the circus. Seeing poor animals being whipped into burning hoop jumping made my cry alongside the weeping clown (only he was pretending and I was for real). I just cannot digest the sight of oppressed animals out of their natural habitat and made into fucking finger puppets. And I can’t stand the smug, heavily made up and ridiculously dressed, vicious sadistic exhibitionists who can’t wait to show the public the new trick they have beaten into those hapless animals (those bastards should be incarcerated!). So I don’t go nowhere near the circus. Except that now the circus has come to me.

I have been watching the verbal acrobatics of David Cameron and his attempts at whipping Gordon Brown into the hoop of calling early elections. I have also watched Gordon giving clownery his best shot when he tried to joke and sound casual at his press conferences of late. I have watched the mutual slamming, stone throwing and throttling between Labour and the Conservatives, who have even put on display a proper ole dinosaur in the person of long mumified John Major. I wonder if they had first gotten permission for exhumation.

I must admit that this is the first circus I am actually thoroughly enjoying. The players deserve one another, and after all, we all know it is all only pretence. They are not really at each other’s throats – in fact, they are probably good mates once they’re back in the closet after a day of mud slinging work. They only do that for show – for us, the public!

Come to think about it, there is nothing they are arguing about. Their policies don’t differ on principle – they both “strive” to improve education and grant people access to the NHS, get rid of crime and keep armed forces in the Middle East. The only bone of contention is who shall be steering this leaky ole ship called Great Britain, and who shall retire in the shadows. That’s all. The rest is just one jolly circus.