The other day I had a plumber.

He came! I couldn’t believe my eyes when he did actually turn up on my doorstep, dead on time!

My taps were leaky (they degrade with age and frequent use, I’m afraid). He brought his own. He always comes, he said, well equipped… with a complete set of personal tools, including spanking new spares, and he lubricates them regularly with best quality fluids, then polishes them by rubbing up and down until the job at hand is done.

But of course, he prefers when it is done with a customer who comes too… with taps of their own. It’s a better fit that way as the customer knows best the size and shape of their plumbing holes; especially the ladies.

Anyway, the preliminaries over, he told me to get in the bathtub (it is less mess that way, especially if there is a danger of a major outpour, he informed me), and to hold his taps in a tight grip while he screwed from the bottom.

He was screwing astoundingly hard (his tools are stiff, pure titanium - fit for the purpose!). His taps, as he was screwing, were turning in my hands. I am not used to working with my hands so there were a few slippery moments but then I got a better grip at the base when the inlet meets the hole. We worked in perfect harmony from then on: he at the bottom, I on top (of my bathtub, that is). I got dizzy from all that screwing and grasping.

Finally, he said there was no point holding off and we should see how it went, if there was no blockages in my tubes. So he turned his taps on and WHOOSH! the fluid gushed into my… bathtub. Good pressure, he said, I’ surprised myself, and I had to agree.

When he rested, I made a cup of coffee. He wanted it with froth on top. I whipped up nice foam from fresh cream. It was enough for both of us. He had his with lots of sugar, I had mine strong.

Then he was gone. I must say I was gaping ruefully as his square shoulders and tight buttocks disappeared through my neighbour’s front door. Shame he was only a plumber, I have a faulty electric socket. Never mind… I might add he had a lovely smile too.